Fear and Loathing in Superjail!
by Heather S. Thomason
Summary: Heather S. Thomason as Rachel Duke is sent to Superjail! to write an article on the prison. Her gonzo journalistic ways manage to create an adventure focused on a plethora of drugs, excessive violence, and utter insanity... much like Superjail! itself.
1. Driving Under the Influence

I. Driving Under the Influence Was Never So Dangerous

The noise was damn near unbearable. My Doctor sat in the pilot's seat, madly grinning as he erratically navigated the helicopter. I grabbed my briefcase and rummaged through the contents. Keeping a calm expression, I carefully selected the eye-dropper and inverted it above my face. Usually, I'd recommend no more than a drop to anyone. But when one is a Doctor of Gonzo Journalism, they're expected to go all out. No sense in holding back! Buy the ticket, take the ride. That's what I always said.

Two in each eye. That should be enough. My doctor whipped his head towards me.

"Hey! Don't hog it all!" he yelled over the racket, snatching the dropper from my hands and squeezing three drops immediately into one of his eyes. He blinked a few times, causing the helicopter to drift from side to side. He shook his head. "As your doctor, I advise you to get out the reds and the oranges. It seems like a fitting time for reds and oranges."

My thoughts weren't exactly on what other chemicals to add to my already loaded system. They were focused on the extremely small volume of the helicopter. I only hoped to God the Doc could get us on the ground before I completely lost it. I fumbled around in the case until I found two pill bottles. I removed two unmarked red pills and four marked orange ones. I split them between us, popped the red, broke the two oranges in half, and snorted them.

When I looked up, the bats were back. Those fuckers always haunted my trips. Big, black, trippy bats, all flying in strange, intricate patterns. I looked to my Doctor. He seemed fairly under control. Hell, I just hoped he didn't see those bats before we landed.

I looked out the window. Ocean everywhere. And a volcano, I think. Our destination. When we got closer, I realized there was a volcano inside of a volcano. Was that even possible?

"Man, those bats are creepy. As your doctor, I advise you to get out the buttons."

I sighed, and pulled a bag of peyote buttons from the briefcase o' felonies. The Doc reached in and grabbed two, shoving them in his mouth and swallowing them. I soon followed suit, as he dangerously lowered the helicopter into the top of the volcano. My muscles tensed, and everything felt slightly off. I grinned.

It's the top of the rollercoaster.

The story was only beginning.


	2. It Never Got Weird Enough

II. It Never Got Weird Enough... Til Now

As we descended into the volcano, I could feel myself, too, slipping away, spiraling downward to craziness. Everything faded to black. Then flashed back to normal. The faded away again. I tore at the straps, imprisoning me in the seat, trapped in the small space that only seemed to get smaller and smaller. The bats grew larger, and stared me in the eyes, grinning, salivating, mocking.

"Shit."

I immediately stopped trying to unstrap myself and looked at my doctor. Hearing him mutter 'shit' was not a good thing. Especially since he was currently losing his mind and flying a helicopter. I had a flash of understanding.

"Hey, hey! Give me the wheel!" I yelled over the sirens. I unbelted myself and leaned across the Doc, grabbing the steering mechanism and pressing all sorts of buttons.

My doctor nodded in approval. He grinned and relaxed, putting his hands behind his head. "Good, good. Yes, that one. Then that one. Yes."

Everything was spinning. I couldn't tell whether it was just me or the helicopter. Oh well. I'd been through worse. One hand on the wheel, I reached back in my bag and pulled out a salt shaker. I popped the top off and snorted some of the white powder directly from the container. I needed my focus, you know..

Suddenly, a thump. Having not been strapped in, I hit my head rather hard on the ceiling. The Doctor was still grinning.

"Brilliant! I didn't know you could fly!"

I shrugged. "I didn't either."

I shoved everything back into my briefcase and stumbled out of the cockpit. Lifting up my glasses, I got a good look at our surroundings. It was infinite, stretching in all directions. Yet, finite, as it was inside of some volcano. Again, I shrugged and lowered my aviators. I'd seen weirder.

The desert. Yes, this place was familiar. Everything was cartoony. The bats were flying. The sand was white. The sky was grey. Mesas in the background. Black cacti. Our helicopter was now red. I looked as the Doc got out. He wiped some dust off of his suit and looked up.

"So.. we're back in Toon Land? Haven't been here in a while. How much did we take?"

"I guess we took enough." I walked around, taking it all in. I still couldn't tell if it was all in me head or not. Suddenly, sickness. Nausea. I put a hand to my stomach and doubled over, landing on my knees. Vertigo. Dizziness. I fell over and rolled on my back, looking into the grey sky. Yep, that was the peyote. It was kicking in.

My doctor stepped over me and peered into the distance. "Isn't there supposed to be a jail here or something?"

"We're probably in it; we're just too fucked up to see it." I looked up into the sky. A dot. Out of nowhere. Growing larger. I sat upright, still watching the dot. As it got closer, I could barely make out the shape of a person. I rolled out of the way, and shortly after, a thud. Sand rose from his impact.

A small, cartoony man. His head made up half the size of his body. Short, brown hair, mustachio'd, in a nice suit. His head shot up from the ground. He had this nervousness about him, an anxiety. His eyes darted all over the place. I figured I might as well do a few push ups.

"A-a desert? This has never been here before.." he trailed off, laying eyes on me, then finding my doctor. "Oh! You must be---"

"Yes, this is the great Doctor of Journalism, Rachel Duke, and I am Dr. Oscar, her personal physician." He extended his hand to shake, a formal introduction. However, he pulled back slightly at the sight of the small, odd hand on the small, odd man.

"Yes, yes, I'm Jared, the accountant of Superjail. The Warden is on is way.. he, uh, had some business to take care of before he could make it."

Out of nowhere, a rainbow appeared in the bleak sky, shooting off in multiple directions, winding like a striped serpent before ending right in front of the midget. I pushed myself up from the sand and dusted off. When I looked up, I came to face a tall man wearing a purple suit, complete with a purple hat. Still, I couldn't tell whether my mind was deceiving me.

"Hm.. the desert. I like it! But.. where did it come from?" he mumbled. "Jared! How did this desert get here?" He looked at the small man.

"Oh, sir, I-I don't know. It was like this when I got here," he stammered, looking around.

I cleared my throat. "So the desert.. it's actually here, you can see it, too?" I asked.

The purple man turned to me. A smile spread across his face. "Yes, the desert, I see it." He paused. "What the hell are those bats doing?"

"Bats? What bats?" Jared asked.

"Oh, the bats. Don't worry about the bats. If you just pretend they aren't there, they won't bother you."

The man quickly changed his expression to one of confusion. "You've seen those bats before? Does that mean you've seen this desert before?" he asked.

I nodded, "This is a place I often go when my mind retreats into itself." My doctor nodded and added, "Yeah, this place is all too familiar."

The man extended his hand, a wary eye watching me through his yellow tinted glasses. "I'm the Warden of Superjail, and you are the journalist, correct?"

I shook his hand and nodded, "Rachel Duke. And this is my doctor, Dr. Oscar."

"Pleased to meet you both. Jared, take their things and leave us." He motioned to the large, bright red bug only yards from where we stood. "Are your things in the helicopter?"

Dr. Oscar walked over and grabbed our two suitcases and threw them at the accountant. "We will also need a fifth of rum, a fifth of tequila, a stereo, video recording equipment, a red convertible with at least a V8, and we will let you know if there's anything else."

Jared looked at us, quivering, stuttering. "But-but-but I don't think I can--"

The Warden shrugged, "You heard them, Jared. Take care of it."

"But, sir--"

"Now, Jared!" he yelled. "Go!"

"But I don't even know how to get out of here, sir!"

The Warden sighed. "Fine. Jailboooooot!"

A white, monolithic robot flew from the sky and hovered near the man in the purple suit. "Take these bags and Jared to the room for the guests." With that, the robot picked up the midget and the two bags, and flew back up into the sky.

"Now," the Warden began, walking in a circle, looking at all the surroundings, "we can discuss. This place does not follow the typical laws of reality. I govern everything in this realm. How did you bring about this desert?"

I shook my head and paced back and forth.

"I always said it never got weird enough."

"Do you know or don't you?"

"But I never thought it could ever get this weird."

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"When your hallucinations become reality, that's when shit gets weird."

"Wait..."

"If this is even reality. Hell, I can't tell anymore."

"Stop..."

"And he can see my bats. How the fuck can he see my bats? My doctor sees them, but that's because we've been through everything together. We're partners in crime."

"Shut up!" The Warden cut off my train of thought. I stood quietly, staring at his face, watching the lines go from smooth, to wiggly, back to smooth. Cycles. That's all it is. Cycles.

He took a deep breath. "Okay, from the top. You said your hallucinations were real. This desert, this is a hallucination of yours? Those bats, the bright red bug, the white, the grey, this whole place?"

I scoffed, "Well, I thought it was. Apparently it's real now." I looked over to my doctor, who was currently laying down, drawing crazy abstract pictures in the sand with his finger.

A sadistic grin overtook the Warden's face. He came up beside me and draped an arm across my shoulders. "My dear! You have control here! You have the power!" He grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me around to face him. "What do you take? What do you have? We could share! This entire place is one big trip! It never ends! But I, I am the only one who can control it.. well, you, too, I suppose." He paused. "Wait. You're here for an assignment. An article on Superjail, right?"

"Well," I began, "that's what they sent me here for. But I think I've found something better. A tale of freedom! In a jail! How does that sound, Dr. Oscar?"

He looked up at me and grinned, "The lizards will love it."

The Warden's smile grew and grew, "Yes!" He let go of me and danced around. "Perfect! Freedom in the least free place possible! It's brilliant!" He stopped suddenly. "Come with me! You have much to see!"

He once again summoned the rainbow, which I had failed to notice when it disappeared. He took my hand and brought me towards it. My doctor had gotten up and walked over to join us. I quickly remembered something very important.

The briefcase.

I ripped my hand free and ran over to the giant red bug, grabbing my briefcase of wonder and ran back to the bright, neon serpent. Another grin donned the Warden's face.

"Well, well, well.. what might be in that official looking briefcase?"

I opened it and found the eye-dropper, handing it over to the Warden. He grinned even more than before.

"May I?" he asked, lifting his glasses.

I nodded.

He squirted the bottle into his eye, a stream. He cackled and shoved it back into my hands. I took some more and tossed it to the Doc.

"And here we go!" the Warden cried, guiding the rainbow through the bleak sky and up and around in every direction.

The man was obviously insane. But this was my fate.

My mind had been telling me ever since he said I had the control.

That's all I'd longed for, the control, the power..

The freedom.


End file.
